This doesnt feel like halloween

I cant believe it's halloween, again. Doesnt feel like it, and really, i'll be excited for it to be over with. It was awkward last year when the kids didnt want to stop at our house, because we were the 'new people' in the neighborhood, even after our 1 year of residing here. Wondering how it'll be this year?

I'll probably sit outside with candy again.. its more peaceful for the dogs if the doorbell isn't ringing every 5 min. Kind of blah today, better than yesterday. I have no motivation to move forward, but Im pretty happy to report that I dont even have a desire to gorge on halloween candy.. hows that for blah? So far I only had 2 pieces, and a cookie from the grocery store. That was enough for me.

Trying to stick to my low carb diet.. was much easier over the weekend, but now that we were back at the office today, it was more difficult. I couldnt just go to the fridge for a piece of cheese, or a hardboiled egg, or a slice of turkey. Salad from PF Changs it was! mmm.. So good!

I need to lose 80 pounds. Seriously, no exaggeration.. I could probably stand to lose closer to 100 but lets be realistic here. Cant believe I got this high up. I dont look obese.. I dont feel it. Im strong, I work out, I can still shop at 'regular' clothing stores.. Im a size 16/18.. ready to be a 10/12 again. That would really only mean losing 50-60 lbs, but seeing as how I cant seem to budge on the scale this week, I'm not sure how feasible this will be. I used to drop weight so easily.. now, no matter what I do, nothing seems to work.

Thursday is my weigh in day.. I'll be really disappointed if my newly updated eating habits and extra exercise havent paid off. :( Even when I was doing crazy cardio 3 times a week at the gym (with my crazy spin instructor) it seemed like my weight didnt budge, and of course my bloodwork is perfect. No chance of thyroid issues, or some stupid medical condition that a pill would fix. That's even more frustrating, that I just NATURALLY have a slow metabolism.. greeeat. Im totally healthy, perfect in every way, except that I need to lose 80-100 lbs. Blood pressure's good, cholesterol is really good.. sigh.

Would be amazing if I could drop at least 30 lbs by Christmas. 2 months away.. 15 lbs a month, 4 lbs a week? That's possible. They can do it on biggest loser, why couldnt I do it at home? Water water water water..

constant reminder

I am reminded of how alone I am, every time I reach out for someone.  I have pretty much given in to the notion that I will always be this way, even though I'm surrounded by people who seemingly care. They never really care. They're too busy with their own shit to stop for me, even though I stop for them, hug them, hold them, and always offer a listening ear.

Here goes

this blog exists because I am afraid to say how I really feel, using my real name. Sad but this is at least some way for me to write about me. Hidden from family, friends, loved ones, people I thought I could trust. I am continuously reminded that I'm the only one I can count on. Everything I write in here is true. Real accounts of my life, but I am changing the names of everyone. This sounds so cheesy, I'm sorry. I hope to keep up with this, and if you've found this, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time. :)